There have been a lot of great marriage books written over the last twenty years. The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb is probably the best based on how our individual needs for security and significance impact our relationship with our spouse.
Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is extremely good from the standpoint of giving a simple foundational framework for the major role that each partner needs to play in the marriage. Then the book gives lots of practical applications and illustrations on how to live this out in real world.
He writes that the husband should love his wife by:
- Closeness—she wants you to be close
- Openness—she wants you to open up to her
- Understanding—don’t try to fix her; just listen
- Peacemaking—she wants you to say, “I’m Sorry”
- Loyalty—she needs to know you’re committed
- Esteem—she wants you to honor and cherish her
The wife should respect her husband by:
- Conquest—appreciate his desire to work and achieve
- Hierarchy—appreciate his desire to protect and provide
- Authority—appreciate his desire to serve and to lead
- Insight—appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel
- Relationship—appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
- Sexuality—appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy
One of the very helpful points that he continues to make throughout the book is just because our needs make us so different that does not make either of us wrong. When we assume the best about our spouse’s motives then we can give them the benefit of the doubt when they fall short of giving us what we want and need.
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